Crowbarabortion

I woke up finally

2006-10-16T05:11:13Z

I'm glad I'm writing down what's on my mind before I sleep. Looking at it now, it was a different state of mind. I'm at the stage where I look at myself, then point and laugh. It's how I deal. It's not such a problem if you poke and prod at yourself. Shit happens, it's your own fault. You failed at being a friend. Now are you gonna learn anything? Nope, that's the definition of psychotic I was told. Expecting the same result after having done it before when you know what will happen. It's like touching a hot stove repeatedly thinking it'll be different the next time around. You've tried going into complete isolation and that doesn't work. You still long for some sort of human contact. Just getting it right is hard. I heard if you cut your hair, you could make alot of friends. That's great huh? To have friends, I basically have to cut one of my own limbs off. Minor exaggeration there. You're 22 now and still struggling with the friends issue. This is so the teen years you missed out on. You've severed contact from your family besides your own mother but even that's going nowhere. She's grown tolerant and immune to your bullshit. Maybe you need to cut yourself in front of her eyes again to get her attention. It's not like it hurts so it's not the emo way people do it. People are ashamed to cut themselves. They hide it and do it in their bathrooms. Yours was like a statement right in her face. It's only skin and it wasn't deep. Just the blood freaked her out. Lets not do that to mother again. Such a bug in the human psyche. The whole point of the body is to live. The fact that we breathe, crave for food, and clot when we bleed are all forms of self-preservation. But somehow, someway, outside factors have made some minds not wanna go on. I always laugh thinking about it. Like if you were to go out and buy rope to hang yourself, would you still look for the cheapest one? Wanting to save money is still self-preservation. I don't wanna worry anyone with that sort. I'm not suicidal, it just comes with the territory. You're not anti-social. You're just overly picky. Having been disappointed by people you've met in the past. You always wonder if they're even thinking at all. You're still envious of them since there's more of them now. If you can't even maintain friendships, could you ever see yourself in a relationship with someone. If friendships are a quiz, relationships must be the final test. Having never been in one, you're bound to fail. I wish I had at least practiced a few times when I was younger. The days where it wasn't as big of a deal. You could get a girlfriend in 1st grade based off of a toy you own. That's putting it simply but really, it's applicable now. Basically, what do you got to offer? At this age, expectations are much higher. Can you provide for her, love her, and make her feel secure? I don't know but I'd give it my best shot. Problem is it'd be your first shot. Gambling has taught me alot and that's just a scary move/bet to make. I can't just put it to the test at someone's expense either. Seems embarassing too. I feel bad already for whoever that girl will be in the future. Sounds frustrating, I'd dump myself too if I were her. Show you can take care of yourself and they'll know you can take care of them. I guess that means a job. Another scary move there. My first official job... You could get away with so many things when you were 16. Your employer expects it and will be lenient with you. At 22 though? So to get a job, driving is another step where you're 6 years late. At 16 to 18, you were fine with rides when you went out everynight of the week. Somehow, 4 years pass by and now you're gonna take the test... at 22 again. Written should be fine. Driving, I'm probably gonna have an awkward time with the instructor. And with a job, you'll want better ones at one point. Jumping back into a schedule that includes school freaks me out too. I could do the work but under pressure when I haven't been under any at all for years? Besides the pressure I put on myself which doesn't count. It's self-inflicted after all. Some will say it's all excuses... Some also say just shut up and do it. Then my own mom will say whenever you're ready... They can't see, that I see a giant staircase when it just begins with one baby step to them. They want results now but I can't even go at my own pace. Maybe if life threw me into the pool, I'd learn faster but does that work or don't they just drown? I'm experiencing things I should have learned when I was younger. The problem for me is I only see people waiting for me at the top of the stairs that I have to jump through hoops to impress or prove myself to. Don't say do it for yourself, because what do you think it is I am doing. To make myself better, I need people and to get those people, that's what I gotta do. I wish someone would just hold my hand and walk me up there slowly. It's not even too big of a deal to accomplish such normal everyday things. But hey, we're all different. If there are people like Kobe Bryant who can get past 4 people in his way and dunk the ball to victory while defying gravity and maintaining style, then there's other people at the end of that spectrum. Slow, hesitant, needs a ladder and a sense of style to do what he does. But it's so easy for everyone to just say, "look at me, look what I can do, look I can do it" so that means you should too. Fuck that, if I can spam hibs, micro tornadoes, while healing everyone in a clutch game versus the toughest opponents, I guess you can too, right? Prick. I feel like a kid all the time. Clueless, naive. immature, useless, and frightened. My bad... and some bad luck too.

I couldn't sleep having my head clogged with bitterness

2006-10-15T21:26:55Z

Today is the first day I've shed a few tears. It's damn hard to even get a few out but each one is big for me. I just realized I don't have friends, or rather, I don't even have proof of existing friendships if one was forced to show proof. They could all be in my head for all I know. I have a hard enough time believing my mom is even alive. My own eyes haven't seen her interact with another human being for a long time and that's because I rarely see her throughout the day and because I rarely, ok never really go out with her. My own jokes about hermits is coming true. Call me the modernized hermit with a broadband connection. A failing broadband connection at that. My most oldest of friendships is a mere 7 hours away. He's moved on to his own problems in the struggle to make his relationship and life work. That and the new friends he's made at his job that he WoWs with now on the new server he transferred to. My closest of friends is probably like 30 minutes away but feels like she's in another part of the world. Close yet miles away. I think my own friends hang out with each other more than I'd like to believe. Everything is distant and cold. The one person I opened up to most of my summer literally does live in another country. That's what makes me feel lucky and pathetic at the same time. Call it a second mom. The few times I talked to James this week was the first time we were ever really quiet. Sometimes we'd just hang up without a word said, not that it mattered before but it's different this time. I spent my Friday worrying about someone who supposedly had an emergency and went to me for help. As redundant as that sounds since it was unrealiable me, I took it seriously anyway, thinking maybe I could actually do something and be useful for once. Couldn't really sleep after hearing the message around 5 AM, an hour after missing and receiving it. I did doze off a few times only to wake up and make my rounds calling. I even asked Vitaliy if he knew anything, desperate for some kinda info, only to get "I haven't talked to her at all for a week." But only to find out they were hanging out that same Friday night anyway. I've never minded introducing friends to my other friends but this is ridiculous given the amount of times it's turned out or at least, made me feel like the third wheel. But of course, I always give it a try and not voice anything because I have to stick by my word, that it was ok in the first place. But that's where, in my first post, was leading to. Exactly what I wanted to discuss. Who am I discussing it with? Myself of course. I've spent the past few months talking to myself. No one knows I'm just a loud ass for the reason being that I'm really just trying to drown out the endless thinking in my head. It explains why I'm such a fan of Lil Jon. Yes, you're wondering how I'm gonna make that relevant. He, to me, symbolizes everything I want to be. Not who I dream to be, but want to be for the while because I just don't want to give a fuck anymore. I want to get "crunk" as he says because that just numbs you out but no, I don't really drink or enjoy it that much. His loud ass simplistic lyrics is the shit I just wanna yell out half the time. Yeah, what, OK! I don't give a fuck. It's wondefully ignorant and the best defense money could buy. I stand in front of the mirror not having seen my own eyes for months. These sunglasses say asshole, but all I'm really doing is hiding behind them. Scared someone, even myself will realize what I'm about. I've seen the reflection of my own eyes in the mirror before and I never like what I see. It's all so cheesy that that's what Lil Jon means to me. I do admit, I love the beats. But beats can beat out loneliness. There's not enough noise to silence my own thoughts. So back to my discussion. Friends are hard to come by. The new ones I make end up becoming friends with the older ones. Could just be in my head and could just be me believing my own bullshit making me close up into my secure little shell again. But whatever, I only do what I've known and lived by. No one has proven me wrong and I know I'm wrong. It's hard to admit I'm hurt. I'd rather just ball up and take it and repress another memory or make light of it with my off-the-wall carefree attitude. It's such a vulnerable position, one that can be misconstrued to something I can be teased or accused of being selfish about. It always ends up looking like jealousy. One time, I was suppose to go with James to a concert when he just moved back to town but somehow, it turned into a "can you ask your mom to drive my new girl and I to the show?" Yeah, it sorta hurt. Probably why I sorta smiled that he got a baby out of the deal. But you see how that can look like jealousy? Another time, it was meeting someone that meant alot to me but my friend ended up getting to meet her first when they barely knew each other. It's just too hard to explain why it meant alot to me without it looking like the selfish green eye. Seeing as to how much I looked up to her as a person and a friend, of course I was eager to meet someone of that caliber. A weird one at that. I guess I just found myself asking, "why does someone who doesn't have a clue about her get to see her" and "why aren't I allowed?" The kick-me-in-the-balls was that I just became fast friends with the guy too. Take it the way you think it sounds but don't dismiss what I said. Everyone judges with the worst of judgements. Coincidentally, the same day they met was the day I went out to get a pair of new glasses. I bought 2 pairs, one regular and one prescription sunglasses. Since that day, I've preferred to just wear sunglasses day in and day out. Rather I look pissed in sunglasses than miserable in see through regulars. There were other situations like that like a friend with 2 tickets to some show and he has to choose between my friend and I but nothing compareable of this magnitude... to me anyway. One can't help but feel sorta rejected and neglected when all I wanted was 10 mins and a slurpee. It's all so emo and I'm not use to expressing any concern like that, exactly why I envy those who just don't care like my friend Vitaliy. I stuck by him even though he broke into my house with his friend to steal my guitar. Stuck by anyway even though he's known to be the biggest liar (proudly self-admitted) amongst the people I know. Still a friend, just one you can't trust, since he steals for a living...

I always walk around late night for hours hoping I'd just meet someone with the same look on his /her face. I circle block after block just kinda hoping a friend from the past would show up unannounced and unexpected. Hasn't happend yet... those old friends are long gone and no one in their right mind, in my area anyway walks around at night. From the looks of my neighborhood, doesn't look like anyone has the same questions or worries I do. The thought of suicide has always popped up in my head. It would take a large amount of shit to really push me to do it but even then, I wouldn't give myself the satisfaction of such a sweet death, a sweet sweet release. There's worse shit to experience and that's what I fear the most. That what I endure now only prepares me for something worse. Only you can make your problems seem bigger than they are. Again, why I truly envy the stupid and materialistic. You'll never see what's wrong and you can fill any void with just stuff. The drunks that just have meaningless sex just handle their shit differently. The same way I try and distract myself from the crap is equivalent to how they deal with shit by clubbing all the time, staying drunk, and satisfying their sexual needs. I, on the other hand just play video games and live in a fantasy where I save the world 30 to 60 minutes at a time. We're all just avoiding reality, by wanting to belong somewhere, anywhere, with anyone, to some deadweight acquaintances. The gadgets and gizmos only help us attract more deadweight. Me... I'd just love to have a friend where I don't doubt or worry about anything. Like almost devoted just to you, don't call it selfish. Everyone wants a sidekick or buddies-til-death type of friend. You can be totally honest with that type of person and not worry about having your show cancelled. It just kinda resets next episode you know? I'm sick of having a one-man show in my videos.

Hmm, ok...

2006-10-15T18:42:40Z

I'm only even doing this because you asked me to. Are you even reading? Whatever, I wouldn't be surprised considering your track history. As if leveling a druid that you suddenly found ugly wasn't annoying enough or the 2 rogues we went through repeating those damn UD quests. Great reason, "I don't want an ugly char." So now we move onto a human priest named PD paired up with my Crowrender which I looked forward to only to see you roll a whorelock, gnome especially... Now why am I writing this? Because I had nothing so I'm going with the first thought and that was triggered by your request to "level your priest to 44." I understand why though. You run in several directions, several roads wondering who will follow you. What I don't know is what your reason is. Unless you just enjoy jerking me around and the rest you've duped. Remember cypblood? I even warned him that she might not come even come to play and he did get to like 40? You did say post anything. This is my first thought and I'm letting it flow out. Whatever's on my mind. You've dropped me like 9 times, 5 times being my fault, my big mouth. The other 4 times, just you being you talking about how you're like the seasons, that you change or that you're a bird and I'm a fish. You're quite the toughie. You warned me and I told you I'd stick around regardless. You used King Kong as an analogy for it.

King Kong reminds me of you. I saw the movie today. It's like our story. You're always there to protect me. And I run around screaming and juggling rocks.

Are there any scenes where he feels neglected, used, and called bitch several times for it? You don't have to rub it in. You know damn well what you're doing. Should I give you this much credit? You're not that naive. You're a smart girl and not just academically. You're fully aware of your surroundings, though you claim to have the ability to erase a memory which gives you the excuse to say you forgot. Don't think I'm like bitching about you on here. It's a part of the intrigue and mystery. Just try not to read it with a serious tone. It's like I'm solving the puzzle and this one of the more interesting pieces I ponder about. You admitted you like to play the dumb blonde card and that only says you know exactly what's going on. So that adds the intent to hurt or confuse which makes me question half the things you say. Some days, I feel like we're the best of friends, then some like complete strangers, and certain instances, enemies. And like I always say, I understand hence why some just don't get you and why they get pissed. I'm not pissed but I do like stating how it may seem if I didn't know some of the things you've told me. I know certain days you go through things where a situation is just overwhelming and what you need is a friend and then some you distance yourself from reality and anyone in it so you float around thoughtless and empty in a dreamlike state. Living in that environment can do that. I'm just a reminder at times because of my big mouth. I'm not saying you can get away with it all the time but hey, a few instances are ok. Just don't go about it with a flaunting attitude. I love how at times we're avoiding specific subjects or recent happenings but I do wonder if you even know or if you really did forget. You're an actress so I'll never really know will I? You're award winning Bad Girl #9 really paid off didn't it. Tell me what you think unless you hate what I'm saying then whatever, a first post is a first post. It can be the start of many or last. I'll let you decide since it was your bright idea anyway. I'd really appreciate any sort of comments about it. Even a shut up or I hate it would suffice. Anything that would explain a bit more about you. Throw me a cookie or a crumb. Know what, I'm just gonna post about anything memorable you've ever said. You always provide me with a good thinker. For instance, you asked about friends befriending your friends. It's a good topic for me. This is why I talk to you. You've never gotten boring. Even when you bring up the same topic again, you have a different outlook of it the second time around which is sometimes scary. I play along with it most of the time. Anyway, don't hate me.